This is going to be hard

I have absolutely no idea what loving myself means. Sure on a literal level, I get it. Love yourself. Fine. But on a practical level, I’m twiddling my thumbs on today, day 2 of 30 days of love.

Challenge me to do something physical, say run, no problem. Tell me to look myself square in the eye and really see what the mirror reflects, I feel like I will literally die.

Yesterday and today I did a feeble, positive affirmation, in my head. Later in the month, I have ideas of various things I can treat myself too, like manicures, a facial etc, but they seem so superficial. I’m not sure how I even begin to scratch the surface of how I feel about myself.

Thinking through it today, I realized, it was far easier for me to want a guy who my intuition told me from day 1, was all wrong for me, to say he loved me so I could coo it back to him. How could I even utter those words to a stranger, when I can’t say it to myself about myself?

I guess if I end the month doing nothing more than being more mindful of my negative chatter that would be a good thing. I also realize, b/c I don’t want attention, b/c I don’t want to be hurt, b/c it’s easier to be judged when I’m “temporarily” fat b/c when I’m judged while I’m skinny, it’s way too much pressure so being fat means no one has expectations, I can just fade into the background, that it made it easier for me to stop caring in general. First I let the small things slide, now it feels like everything is out of control.

If I really truly *loved* myself, deep down I know this, not only wouldn’t I abuse myself in the various methods I do, I won’t tolerate ½ the shit I do, that I only allow b/c I feel I deserve to be treated poorly or I’m not worthy of respect, which makes my eyes sting w/tears just to write, much less think out loud and publically admit.

So I guess as petty and superficial as the manicure and facial may seem, maybe those tiny steps back to myself, will spur the inside to match how the outside looks.

I really dunno y’all. @ this point, I’m just winging it. This is painful.

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