30 Days of Love

The last 30 day goal was to love & be nice to myself. How’d I do?

I wasn’t lying when I said it was going to be hard. It was.

I originally started out making it a daily thing, but that got old by noon on day 1. Instead, I approached the month holistically. Looking @ all that I do and dislike and my interactions w/people and in small ways tried to improve.

I didn’t do any frivolous stuff like going out to get manicures or facials or massages. Instead I dug deep on how I was feeling and think had a LOT to do w/the weekend I sorta crashed and burned. I don’t talk about my money woes here, but the weekend I “lost it” and went for broke @ Captain D’s, I spent a LOT of money I didn’t need to be spending.

It was only when I was updating my money files, I noticed the timing and now, a few weeks later, I can look back and see I was in a lot of emotional pain. The usual stuff: disappointments, frustrations, fears, anxiety, etc, etc.

Coming out of it, I had a small epiphany. The external validation I was seeking, isn’t necessary. One of the things I mentioned, can’t remember where or how, was feeling bummed of not getting responses to something I announced. That situation made me think, well if I’m happy for me, what does it matter if no one else is?

I felt a bit free thinking that.

I can’t say 100% today, 30 days later, I’m all like, “I LOVE ME SOME RENEE”…um…no.

But I do feel kinder towards her. In the last 2 weeks I’ve added things to my routine to take care of myself in areas I neglect. I’ve caught myself from thinking negative thoughts. I’ve taken time to do what I want to do and not let myself be manipulated or emotionally blackmailed, but most importantly I realized, if I don’t like me, I can’t expect myself to be truly comfortable in a relationship b/c every time the guy says he likes me, deep down I’ll be thinking, he’s either lying or if he knew the “real” me he wouldn’t. I have to like me first before I am ready to receive that kind of attention.

Not to say I’ll never date between now and then, but I think the way I dated before, where hollow I loves you’s made me feel good, are not what I need, nor want.

This working on myself will be ongoing healing process, perhaps even a lifetime. I don’t proclaim to have changed, or got it or a-ha-ed! overnight, but I am a teeny bit better.

GAH! It’s been a long month. I’m emotionally spent and so ready to move onto the next challenge…

The goal for the next 30 days, 3/4 – 4/3, is 30 Days of Water.

I love drinking water. Really I do. But I lag, this month the goal will be to drink 1 gallon every single day.

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